I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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