I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
