Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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