is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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