Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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