i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize