peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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