Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
