tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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