good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
