we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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