I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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