So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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