Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
And my parents said I crawled through the house
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Who died my cat blue again?
Randomize
