you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Randomize
