dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I faked an abortion last night.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
