Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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