She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
