we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
