Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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