Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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