omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
