The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
