I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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