life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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