I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize