If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize