i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
