ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
