Church boner. Awkwardddd
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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