I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
