I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
You're so nebulous sometimes
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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