i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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