Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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