Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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