So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
