u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
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