I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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