Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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