I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
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