I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
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