Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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