i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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