Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
