Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
