you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
