Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
