I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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