sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
