Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Randomize
