I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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