My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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