Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
