My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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