If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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