I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Randomize
