I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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