I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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