i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
