Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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